Wishful Thinking

I have an interview tomorrow, which is exciting.  The job isn’t exactly fantastic, but it’s a job. Which is a lot better than where I was a month ago, so here’s to that.

I’m at a strange point right now.  I’m trying to balance my core beliefs with my social needs and it’s really quite difficult.

Truth is, as much as I talk about being a single hermit for the rest of my life that’s not what I want.  I want to want that, but it’s just not the case.  I need people in my life, not many people mind you, but I do need a few.  I actually do want a relationship, one night stands are fun, but they always leave you with an empty feeling the next day.  I mean, I’m not prepared to say I could do one of the traditional relationships where you don’t seep together until you’re married, maybe for the right woman, but I also don’t want to meet someone and start sleeping together pretty much right from the start either.

I’ve always been amused that we are always preparing for the next step.  In kindergarten we are preparing for elementary school, where we prepare for high school, where we prepare for college, where we prepare for the ‘real world’, where we prepare for retirement.  We never really just live, and I think that’s fucked up.  Is it wrong to want financial stability, certainly not, but if saving for retirement comes at the cost of your youthful energy then hell, I’d rather die young.

Part of my problem though is I don’t have any motivation.  I don’t care to really watch my diet, or work hard, or brush my hair because I have nothing to work towards.  In the Army I was serving my country (well, trying to), now I’m just serving myself, and frankly, I don’t much care for myself.

Between my naturally shy and awkward nature and my near tragic inability to recognize a situation I constantly thwart myself.  I meet a cute girl that makes me laugh but I don’t say anything because I’m an idiot and thought she was married, this is typical.  As such, I almost don’t even want to try anymore.  I keep hoping the day will come where I can save someone from a bullet or push them out of the way of a car, then I will at least feel like I’ve done something worth while, if only for a moment.

I realize this post is amazingly depressing but it is what is going on inside my head.  The upside is I’m at least with friends.  It isn’t perfect, but I have people around me that I enjoy.  Which is tons better than what I had.  I just wish I could show people that I’m worth taking a chance on.